Arriving on campus, you probably have tons of questions floating around your head: Who’s the best professor? What’s the best major? Where’s the best coffee?
But one of the most important questions often gets overlooked: Where’s the best bathroom? You don’t want to be caught high and dry in the dreaded Classroom Building stalls. So we’ve decided to put together this little list to practically serve the students at UK. Here’s a countdown of the top bathrooms on UK’s campus, along with some resources to help you make the wisest decision when you next have to go.
Willy T 4th Floor: If you need to take a study break, these bathrooms tend to be a bit nicer than your standard campus fare, but not by much. It’s not unusual to find an unflushed toilet, or urine on the seat. But as that old guy in at the end of Indiana Jones once said: “Choose wisely”. Intrepid explorers will find that the higher you go, the better the stalls become. The rarely-used 4th floor bathrooms earn high marks for quality and quietude!
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Matthews Building Basement: Next door to Gatton so if you’re in the area check this one out. In the basement you can find real solitude! While it looks like a dungeon cell it’s actually pretty clean and very peaceful. If you value privacy, this is another great spot to check out. The location is also very nice if you spend time on the Limestone side of campus.
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Gatton Building: Has decent bathrooms, they look nice and have everything you want. There will always be a stall open, really clear mirrors, generally neutral smell, overall a solid spot to pass the time, and whatever you had for lunch. Not much more to say but really, greatness doesn’t need to be overblown.
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Christian Student Fellowship Basement: This bathroom has a rare feature that sets it apart from other campus bathrooms—locks. Not only can you lock your stall, but you can lock the door to the whole powder room, staving off those pesky intruders looking to take a leak on what should be your undisturbed turf (not to mention the freaks that try to talk to you while you do your business). The only thing keeping these two golden johns this far down the list is the sheer traffic they get. If you’re raring to go, you just might find the lock slid shut when you go to push.
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Ralph G. Anderson (RGAN) Basement: This spot is centrally located on campus so it’s always close. The basement bathroom only has one stall so you’re guaranteed the privacy you’re looking for. And since it’s in an engineering building, you know it’s going to be clean! The cherry on top: it has a shower in case something goes terribly, terribly wrong. Definitely stop by this semester.
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Administration Building Top Floor: This bathroom is the mecca of campus facilities. The stalls are a beautiful oak wood, they afford you plenty of room for yourself and a backpack, and overall you’ll just enjoy being in there. The beautiful aesthetic of the room might cause first-timers to wonder if perhaps they’ve died and gone to heaven. On top of it all, the mirrors are great size and always clean. If you have the time and need to go, make sure to find your way to the Administration building.
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President Eli’s House: Few have ever ventured into this mysterious castle on campus, but the stories that come out are of gold plated toilets, heated seats, and a collection of Calvin & Hobbes that will keep you entertained for hours. The toilet paper is always your favorite brand and it never runs out. Making it in and out without being caught might be hard, but if you do, you’ll know you’ve used one of the most celebrated restrooms in the continental US.
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Disclaimer: We don’t condone the use of this bathroom.
THRONE ROOM APPS
What’s your poopworth? How many times have you caught yourself in a leg-numbing poop session at work where you ask yourself, “How long have I been here? What year is this? Should I get back to work before someone notices?” Why stress yourself during such a personal, blissful moment? Look at the positive side! You’re getting paid to poop!
Track your digestion and health habits, look for patterns of what gets your bowels moving. Take control of your digestive health by tracking and better understanding what works. Also look for our TracknShare app to track anything.
THRONE ROOM READING
No trip to one of these luxury destinations can be complete without a good list of recommended reading. The john isn’t just for purging what you digest, but also a great space to quietly ingest some great reading. Whether you’re there for a quick trip, lengthy sojourn, or even if you’re having an emergency stop-off, we have a list of things to entertain you during your squat. Just click the picture under the type of visit you’re having to conjure some great resources at your fingertips.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
What qualities go into the scoring of bathrooms?
Various factors are taken into consideration, but a few main things we value are: quality of toilet paper, room aesthetics, stall size, privacy and traffic, seat comfort, cleanliness.
Do I have to use a bathroom to recommend it?
Yes. Just like you can’t appreciate food by looking at it, you can’t appreciate a bathroom by looking at it either. To truly appreciate the grandeur of the room, you must sit upon the throne.
What kind of toilet paper is best?
If you have to ask this question it means one of two things: either you’ve never used good toilet paper, or you’ve never used bad toilet paper. But as a quick way to rate the quality of your paper you can use what we call the 3-sense test.
1) Sight: If you can see through the paper, it’s poor quality. If it’s opaque, you’ve got better stock. If you can see a pattern in the paper, you’ve hit the jackpot.
2) Touch: If you can rub the paper between your fingers and it tears, you’ve likely got cheap paper. If it doesn’t have at least two layers then you’ve struck out. Generally this is your go-to test. If your fingers say the paper is rough, the experience down below will only multiply the sensation.
3) Smell: If it smells like an abandoned industrial site, you’ve got cheap warehouse paper. The truly great papers have faint floral aromas to indicate their class.
Are hard to access bathrooms rated higher?
All things being equal, yes. A true throne room cannot be accessed by anyone who fancies walking in. The best is reserved for kings, and if you’ve managed to get into a rare stall, then you’ve had the distinction of sitting on an honored seat.
Why don't the bathrooms on the list have a score like 8.5/10?
When it comes to bathrooms the only numbers relevant are 1 and 2. But a scale that narrow cannot accurately reflect the diversity of bathroom experiences, so we avoid numerical ratings.
Did someone actually use President Eli's bathroom?
We aren’t at liberty to share that information.
Where can I find the closest toilet?
This list is not meant to be used to cater to emergencies. If you need to go, find the nearest toilet. The worst bathroom on campus is better than your pants. This website is for aficionados. We aren’t selling fast food; these are fine quality sit-down venues.